Becoming a parent

I often reflect on my own life; on how different I am from the way I was raised. I grew up frum, with a clear vision of what life was meant to look like: to marry at a certain age, to live within a certain community, to uphold the values I was taught.

I deeply wanted that life. And yet, my circumstances unfolded differently. There were challenges and obstacles that neither I nor my parents anticipated. I tried, in many ways, to stay within the path I had been given; but ultimately, it became clear that Hashem had other plans for me.

I can imagine that for my parents, this has been, and still is, difficult.

I can only imagine how it feels to want something so desperately for the child you had, raised, and supported, yet who did not turn out the way he/she was ‘supposed’ to. I wonder about the unspoken grief in parenting: the realization that the child, and the life, you imagined for them may not be the reality in front of you.

There is a real sadness there. Perhaps a heavy burden to bear.

Sometimes, despite all guidance, a child will choose differently.

Sometimes, despite all your hope and dreams, there is another path forward for them, one that is different than the one you, or the community imagined.

Sometimes the path is straightforward and easy.

And sometimes it is not.

I think that some parents feel the weight of the community. The weight of their values. The weight of their child choosing things not being how they taught.

But how do we then reconcile that children are not extensions of their parents?

Rather, children are individuals entrusted to them.

Each child is created differently, with their own temperament, mind, sensitivities, and way of engaging with the world. What comes naturally to one may not come naturally to another; and what feels right for a parent may not always be aligned for a child.

Coming to this acceptance is not a failure. It is an act of deep recognition; that each person is created בצלם אלוקים, with their own path, their own calling, and their own way of living a meaningful life.

Coming to this acceptance can be difficult no doubt, but it is honoring the individual, it is honoring your child’s power to choose his or her own life, his or her own values, his or her own integrity.

This is powerful.

It is hard to let go.

But as we do, we start to shift our thinking:

How do I understand who this child already is, trust that I have guided them well, and leave the rest to G-d?

As a parent, there comes a time when one must:

Trust that the values you planted will take root in their own way.
Trust that a life lived with authenticity and integrity is not lesser, only different.
Trust that something meaningful is unfolding, even if it is not yet fully understood.

I have not yet learned this lesson as a parent, I can only imagine it. But I do know what it feels like to live a life that did not turn out the way I once envisioned. And slowly, I am learning to trust the process, to allow my life to become the one Hashem intends for me.

I hope to have a child soon.

And when I do, I hope I will live the lesson I am still learning now:

That moving from the life we were handed to the life we choose is not an act of rejection; it is an act of alignment.

It is trusting that Hashem is guiding the process for all of His precious children.