Tisha B’av and too many doors.

Every year as Tisha B'Av approaches, there is a segment of our community that feels a quiet dread. I’ve seen it in Facebook posts, community groups, and mental health forums. There are endless discussions from people saying they should fast, they shouldn’t fast, why they should, why they shouldn't, and who they ought to ask.

I've listened to wonderful talks by Rabbi Jacobson (if you haven't heard him, I really recommend listening to this video) on the complexities faced by those with mental illness when following the commandments of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

I also recently saw a post by Rabbi Yoni Rosensweig, who does great work in mental health and Halacha, which I shared previously. He wrote:

"There is no obligation to fast on Tisha B'Av. The obligation is to observe Halacha... Someone who is not supposed to fast, but nevertheless does fast, is also acting contrary to Halachah."

It sounds comforting. But in practice, it’s far from simple, and I'm still not sure there is a seamless resolution.

For someone with OCD, whose drive for precision makes any deviation feel like a spiritual failure, it’s excruciating not to follow every detail to the letter. Even if you know intellectually that your Halacha is different from everyone else's, it is incredibly difficult to stop keeping something you’ve been taught your whole life you must do after Bar or Bat Mitzvah; especially after spending years learning all the stringencies for it in Halacha class.

For someone fighting an Eating Disorder, a fast is a dangerous trigger, yet eating comes with overwhelming guilt. You end up wondering: If I’m in recovery, maybe I should fast? But if I fast, will I relapse? The loop goes round and round. Then you’re forced to focus on food-how to eat, what to eat, the exact amounts, when to eat; which creates a flood of unhealthy, unhelpful thoughts around food. That is the last thing that helps recovery, and that obsession itself can trigger a relapse!

The most difficult thing is that the standard advice "Just call your rabbi" ignores reality and is, in itself, so hard for someone facing mental health challenges. For someone with social anxiety, severe depression, or ADHD, picking up that phone to explain a deeply personal illness to an authority figure about something they feel shame around, find hard to confront, or may even be in denial about, only makes things more complicated. It’s not "easier" to just call your rabbi. It’s harder. It becomes just another overwhelming item on an already unbearable to-do list. And then you worry about what they will say: how to eat, what to eat, or how to practice, which itself can be unhelpful and counterproductive to managing a mental health condition.

I have been taught that Halacha is actually quite compassionate. A sick person who eats on a fast day isn't failing; eating is their mitzvah. Protecting your mental health is fulfilling the law to safeguard life. But for the more deep, soulful, and sensitive people out there, who are often the very ones struggling with mental illness, it doesn’t feel that way. You can learn the concepts, but ultimately, it’s about how it resonates in your body. Dealing with all these complexities, and then having to decide whether to call someone, not call someone, or even process it at all, doesn’t feel very compassionate in the moment. Sometimes it feels like being stuck in a hallway with too many doors. No person struggling with their mental health needs to add that image to an already challenging and messy mental life!

It's a Catch-22, and I don't have the answers. I wish I could wrap this up with a pretty bow and say, "I have it! This is the way out!" But I really don’t, because every Yom Tov or fast day is complex. I hope it gets easier, and I hope those who are struggling will find peace with whatever they decide to do, knowing that Hashem loves you always.

If you are sitting in that impossible space this Tisha B'Av; trying your best to serve Hashem without knowing how to navigate the pain: know this: Your struggle is real, your pain is valid, and you are not alone in this.