Bonsai.

A number of months ago, my father asked me, in my professional opinion, what makes children act up, or simply not listen.

At the time I gave him a somewhat half-formed answer. ( I said something along the lines of: what we might call bad behavior is often just maladaptive behavior, shaped by the environment, by what the child has experienced, by the variables around them.)

That’s not half of the answer :)

Children enter the world with an instinct for exploration and play. Everything is new. Everything is interesting. Everything invites curiosity. They touch things, test things, try things out. And because of this, children don’t become kind or respectful simply because they are told to. Not if there are competing excitements or experiences that can shape who they are and who they are becoming.

We see this often when a child grabs something, yells, refuses, or pushes boundaries. What adults experience as defiance often looks, from the child’s side, like an attempt to understand how the world works. What happens when they push this boundary? What will they get to experience? What thrills happen on the other side? What will they learn? A child pushing the boundaries is organizing his or her world into so much more than just ‘good’ or bad’. Feelings, sensations, identity, values are all part of the boundary pushing.

Sometimes those experiments look to us like misbehavior.

But from a child’s eye, it’s exploration. Children often aren’t trying to misbehave. Interestingly, the moment they “act out” becomes the moment they start learning.

They learn what thrill, excitement, experience, all look like. And most of all, they learn information about who their parents are by how they respond to their behavior.

They watch us. They imitate us. They notice the tone of our voice, the expression on our face, the way we handle frustration ourselves.

The way we guide children is just as important as what we teach them.

It is important to recognize that before we try to shape a child, we have to pause long enough to notice who they actually are. Their exploration. Their temperament. Their sensitivities. The way their mind works. The way their heart works.

While all children love to explore, they do so in different ways. Some children are naturally logical. When you explain why something matters, they can reason through it. They may decide to follow a rule because it makes sense to them. Other children explore through emotional meaning. They experience the world in a much deeper way. A stern look that helps one child correct their behavior might deeply wound another. Not because they are weak, but because their emotional world is simply wired differently.

Their emotions, their temperament, and the way their mind works are unique. The same rule, the same tone of voice, the same consequence can land very differently depending on the child. (And remember, as humans, we tend to focus on what is wrong, but constant criticism rarely shapes behavior, adult or child!) More often, it discourages.

Encouragement shapes behavior much more effectively, no matter the child.

One of the most powerful things we can do as parents and educators is notice when children do something right.

If a sensitive child runs through the house with muddy shoes, you might gently show them the right way, help them go back and clean it, and praise them for fixing it.

If a more logical child does the same thing, you might explain clearly and firmly why the behavior wasn’t appropriate, and then have them correct it again, praising them when they do.

Notice your child’s goodness. Praise the effort when they correct themselves. Be especially gentle with the children who need that gentleness the most.

Another thing to recognize is that while consequence often may look like something that happens on the outside, often the real consequence is how something feels inside us. Feelings like embarrassment, pride, guilt, excitement, or even a deeper question of values : Is this the kind of person I want to be? affect our internal systems immensely.

Some children feel an extraordinary amount of guilt or shame for doing something, and that itself is a huge consequence. Maybe instead of them having an immense amount of guilt, we can evoke a sense of huge pride and accomplishment when they are praised for doing the right thing.

For that child, a better response for a misbehavior might be calm guidance : gently explaining the rule, modeling the right behavior, and showing why the value behind the rule matters. Sometimes even connecting it to family life: how certain behaviors make things smoother, happier, easier for everyone. In my work with nervous system regulation, a calm and regulated parent goes a long way to support behavior, and makes them want to do their best.

More than that, the best thing a parent or caregiver can do is immediately giving the child the chance to try again, while modeling it in an attuned manner.

“Let’s try that one more time”. Take them by the hand and show them the right way, calmly, maturely.

When they succeed, praise them. Reassure them. Let them feel the satisfaction of doing something right.

Very often, that child didn’t intend to misbehave at all. They were just trying to navigate a complicated world. Remember that the real teachers are consistency, kindness, modeling, and guidance. These all take time, and are not an expectation the first time we share them.

When children feel seen for what they are doing right, something begins to shift. Behavior begins to change, not because they are afraid of being wrong, but because they are slowly being shaped to be the best versions of themselves, in the most reassuring and nurturing way.